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Researchers have seen a noticeable difference when it comes to people who live together and people who are married. When people are living together, they still function as two independent souls who happen to reside under one roof. But when they marry, they begin carrying the cultural weight that for generations has come along with being husbands or wives, and their behavior changes accordingly.

Interestingly, the more financial independence a female has the less anxious she is to get married. Working women are 50% more likely to move in with someone and 15% less likely to marry than women who do not work steadily, according to research from Cornell University. By contrast, the more financially independent men are, the more likely they are to want to get married.

Men who earn an above-average salary are 26 percent more likely to get married than those who earn an average one. Specialists who look at educational trends-the fact that more women than men are currently applying to college and to many graduate schools-believe that by 2030 the average woman will earn more than the average man.

Many families hide the fact that the woman is the money maker by putting full financial control in the hands of the man or by earmarking the woman’s income to pay the big bills so there is no cash left for her to spend as she wants to. In other instances, the woman feels so guilty about making more than her partner that she takes on more of the housework. Rarely will either spouse admit that the woman is the breadwinner to their families or friends. And if and when those superficial fixes fail to work, more of these families split up than the average.

Paychecks and housework aside, a new study from the University of Virginia permits us to see that the factor that contributes most to whether you are happy in your marriage is whether your husband or partner is engaged emotionally. If he listens to you, is concerned about what’s important to you, stops and focuses when it is clear that you are happy or unhappy about something and want to share, you’re likely to want to stick around for more. How do you get him to this point? Start by doing the same for him. If he does not get it, then ask him upfront to pay attention.

If you disagree about the goals, work it out. Even agreeing to disagree about specific things is part of the process. These are the important things, not the amount of your individual paychecks. The size of your paychecks is crucial only to whether there is enough there-combined-in order to make those things possible. And if there’s not, then you both modify the goals, or modify your jobs, to make them possible. But you do it working together. You keep the lines of communication open.

Here’s the key: You have to believe, deep down, that what your partner is adding to the relationship is just as important as what you’re bringing to the relationship. Otherwise, you are doomed to fail.

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